


Hands

by thirdrateoracle



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Blood and Injury, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Hands, He Tian has his first ever healthy conversation, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, If that's what you want to call it, It's still good to tag these things, Late Night Conversations, Lowkey Alludes To Past Sexual Abuse, M/M, Minor Character Death, Mo Guan Shan Is Tired, Past Abuse, Romantic Tension, That's Illegal, Touch-Starved, Trauma, Underage Smoking, brief mentions of strangulation, but barely, crying is healthy get back here you emotionally constipated bastard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:26:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28023141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thirdrateoracle/pseuds/thirdrateoracle
Summary: The hand left its pocket and made its way to Mo Guan Shan’s head, patting him gently once, twice, until Mo Guan Shan had time to process the feeling of slender fingers in his hair and swatted them away.He’d forgotten to flinch.Or: Chapters 318-320 from Mo's POV
Relationships: He Tian & Mo Guanshan (19 Days), He Tian/Mo Guanshan (19 Days)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 248





	Hands

**Author's Note:**

> Most of the dialogue is heavily based on translations performed by yaoi-blcd on Tumblr. That account if also the reason I'm here, so, big shoutout to them.
> 
> If you're part of the 19 Days fandom you're probably painfully aware that most chapters are a super fun combination of not nearly enough and way too much. This is just more of that. You're welcome.  
> If you're not part of the 19 Days fandom but want to be, go to the previously mentioned Tumblr. They have all of the chapters posted and English translated. Super jazzy. You're going to hate it here.  
> Happy Reading

He Tian’s hand entered Mo Guan Shan’s periphery holding a cigarette. It was a weird hand, made up of long, crooked fingers and soft flesh where you’d expect calluses. He watched a finger tap the cigarette once, twice, until the ash finally crumbled and fell off the end. The hand disappeared and Mo Guan Shan heard He Tian inhale.

“How did you meet She Li?” 

Mo Guan Shan flinched. He didn’t want to talk about this. His shirt was ripped, he’d spent most of the day either running or fighting, and he did not want to talk about this.

“Come ooon, let’s talk about your past.”

He would not. 

“Do you need me to coax it out of you?” 

He Tian didn’t miss a beat. His hand left its pocket and made its way to Mo Guan Shan’s head, patting him gently once, twice, until Mo Guan Shan had time to process the feeling of slender fingers in his hair and swatted them away. 

He’d forgotten to flinch.

“I don’t want to fucking talk about it.” he said, not even remotely surprised when, instead of harsh, his tone came out somewhere between exhausted and empty. He rested his face in his hands. His day had consisted of one clusterfuck after another and then ended on a giant shitstorm. His shirt was fucking ripped, and-

She Li’s hands were unzipping his jacket again. There was a concrete wall at his back and too many hands, one on his neck but it was too rough, calluses too plentiful and in all the wrong places. He was stuck, held down by scarred fingers and threatening words.

He Tian inhaled again, unnecessarily loud, and Mo Guan Shan’s line of thought was abruptly derailed.

Fucking He Tian.

“Why do you have to ask?” Mo Guan Shan heard himself say, burying his face deeper in his hands. No one was touching him. Not now. He needed a fucking shower, though. And to get some meals ready for his mom for the rest of the week, and to talk to his boss about picking up some extra shifts. 

He should not have been surprised by the hand’s reappearance on his head. Without pause, it smoothed down the back of his neck and then crept back up a little to rest at the nape of his neck, where his hair was shortest. He felt his body press back into the touch unbidden. This hand his body knew. This palm held scars that were obtained protecting Guan Shan. It was not squeezing or scratching; it was not there to hurt, not tonight.

Mo Guan Shan inhaled deeply, preparing himself to pull back and scold He Tian, but instead caught a strong whiff of smoke mixed with He Tian’s underlying jasmine and wood scent. It was He Tian’s left hand. He must have thrown his cigarette somewhere, the fucking idiot.

Mo Guan Shan knew he should yell at He Tian, slap his hand away again, make it clear for the millionth time that his touch was unwelcome, but the reality was it wouldn’t matter. He Tian didn’t even seem to know what a line was, let alone when he crossed it, and Mo Guan Shan was too tired to fight him off tonight.

He was so tired.

“I just want to forget.” he said, and, fuck, did he mean it. He wanted to collect every memory associated with She Li and burn them. He wanted to grab a couple lackeys, a few bats, several sharp objects and destroy every thought he’d ever had affiliated with the bastard. He wanted to be able to crawl into bed without worrying that, even asleep, yellow eyes and ashen hair would find him.

He did not resist when He Tian’s hand pulled him forward, pressing his forehead into something warm and firm. He Tian’s chest, he realized. He kept his hands on his face, afraid of revealing something despite the fact that He Tian couldn’t see his face from this position. This was okay. This was still safe. 

He was shaking.

“Mo Guan Shan.” He Tian said, and oh, that wasn’t fair. He Tian was not supposed to say his name like it meant something. Mo Guan Shan felt a part of himself give, the first swing of an ax to a still-growing tree. 

He would not fall that easy.

A second hand joined the first, and he was once more taken by surprise when they moved higher up to push his head back carefully, minutely. The hands tightened, just enough for the fingertips to press into his scalp pleasantly, and then loosened, the thumbs caressing his temples. His body hummed. He teetered. 

He Tian must have sensed it, he thought, as he felt the other boy pause. An uncharacteristic sway, a tangible vulnerability, an unlikely ultimatum presented by Mo Guan Shan. Maybe now he would stop. Maybe now the jig was up and the strange, familiar hands would turn to fists. Maybe Mo Guan Shan had ruined them.

He recognized He Tian’s breath first. It was on his forehead, near his hairline, and then there was a nose in his hair. It took him about half a second to realize what was happening, and by then it was already too late. 

He Tian placed a neat kiss on his head and took a deep breath in through his nose. Mo Guan Shan wondered what it would feel like when his body met the ground; realized he’d been beaten down so many times he already knew. He wrapped his hands in the fabric of He Tian’s shirt but did not cling. He would not be held up by anyone. He squeezed his eyes shut.

“You have to tell me.” He Tian murmured. The tone was foreign to Mo Guan Shan. He had not yet met this version of the boy. “We agreed. From now on you don’t have to shoulder everything alone.”

Mo Guan Shan froze. The axe stopped swinging. There was another option. 

Mo Guan Shan didn’t want to fall, but he couldn’t stand- not on his own, not yet, so he pulled back. He Tian was close. He shivered. His nape must have grown used to the warm weight of a hand.

“Let’s walk.” he said, his voice hoarse. He Tian stared at him.

“I said let’s  _ walk. _ ” he tried again, applying firm pressure to He Tian’s chest where he hadn’t realized his hands still rested. He Tian took another moment before he responded, his blank expression melting into a familiar grin.

“You, Little Mo? I’d follow you anywhere.” he lilted. Mo Guan Shan rolled his eyes and stepped around the dark haired boy. He made sure he was a few steps away before he responded.

“Well then pack fucking light.” he monotoned. “‘At this rate I’m headed straight to fucking hell.”

He heard He Tian laugh behind him before he took several quick steps to reach Mo Guan Shan’s side. Their hands brushed.

“Mmm, I’ve visited once or twice, actually.” he said, nose in the air.

“And?” Mo Guan Shan grumbled when He Tian failed to continue.

“And I’ve found it’s actually better to pack layers. Can get surprisingly cool.” 

Mo Guan Shan hummed, couldn’t help but think of the black adidas jacket hanging in his closet with a note in the pocket.

“Fuck you.” he said instead of lingering on that thought. 

“Not tonight, Little Mo. It’s been a hard day for me.” He felt a familiar surge of agitation.

“Don’t say stupid shit like that, you fucking idiot!” he yelled, shoving He Tian farther to the side. He stumbled a little before righting himself and then looking somewhere behind Mo Guan Shan. He didn’t say anything and Mo Guan Shan grew confused. He glanced behind himself and felt his eyes widen. It was the river.

“Don’t even fucking think about it.” he warned. He Tian slowly developed a grin.

“I wasn’t.” he said. Mo Guan Shan frowned.

“You were.”

“I wasn’t!”

“I fucking swear, He Tian, if you do  _ anything _ that gets any part of me wet, I’ll-”

“Little Mo.” He said, not loud but not quiet. These were words for Mo Guan Shan and Mo Guan Shan alone. 

The red haired boy frowned harder at He Tian’s suddenly blank expression. He hated that look.

“What.” he muttered. The boy did not respond. “ _ What?”  _ he growled. He didn’t have time for this shit.

“We’ve walked.” He Tian said. Mo Guan Shan immediately tensed. 

“So?” He Tian just stared at him. Fucking fuck, he did not want to talk about this, but based on the look in He Tian’s eye there wasn’t a chance in hell he was getting out of it. Unless…

“Little Mo~ You’re not thinking of running, are you?” He Tian drawled. Mo Guan Shan wanted to scream. Damn He Tian and his inhuman perceptiveness. 

“Fucking- no! Just... get over here.” he might as well get it over fast. He’d give him the short version. No details, no feelings, just the facts.

He Tian reached him but didn’t stop walking. Instead, without looking he grabbed Mo Guan Shan’s wrist and started to pull him closer to the side of the river. Mo Guan Shan ripped his arm out of the grasp.

“What the fuck! You said you weren’t going to try that shit!” he yelled, surprisingly scandalized. He Tian didn’t look at him when he spoke.

“I just wanted to stand by the river, Little Mo.” he said, tone oddly somber. The guy’s mood was a fucking rollercoaster tonight. Guan Shan watched him saddle up to the side rail and lean against it, seemingly observing the river. The shirt he had on was white, and expensive, so it didn’t seem likely he’d want to get wet himself. Then again, this was He Tian. It was possible he’d bought the clothes just so he could ruin them. 

“If I get a single drop of water on me I’m throwing you over that rail and leaving.” he said. He Tian turned his head to look at him and gestured to the open space to his left.

“I’m not actually a very big fan of rivers.” he said. Mo Guan Shan snorted but made his way to the spot, leaving a decent amount of space between them.

“Sure. That’s why you threw me off a bridge.”

“You threw my bag first.”

“‘Cause you were being a dick.” he argued. He Tian just hummed. The silence they fell into was as comfortable as it was dense. Guan Shan waited for it to settle. He watched the river for a moment, let the sound of slow running water and humming street lights seep into his bones.

“I met She Li in a fight.” he started. “He saved my ass, and now I-”

“Stop.” he heard. He turned to He Tian.

“What the fuck?”

“I already know he saved you. I heard it from snake face. I want the real story, Little Mo.” Guan Shan stared at him.

“That is the real story, dumbass! I got in over my head and he saved me and now-”

“Little Mo.” He Tian stopped him again. He felt himself start to seeth. “The whole story.”

Mo Guan Shan growled. “It’s my fucking story. I can tell it any way I want.”

“No, you can’t. Not right now. Tell me the truth.”

“Fuck you.” he gritted out.

“Mo Guan Shan.” He Tian said, and enough was enough.

“It’s MY FUCKI-”

“You promised.” He Tian stated flatly, cutting him off. “And you owe me.” Mo Guan Shan blinked once, twice. Thought back on the dinner He Tian had just paid for.

He turned back to the railing. He Tian did the same. 

He exhaled. Inhaled. Exhaled. 

“I don’t want to fucking talk about this.” he repeated. He Tian released a breath that was just a little too heavy to be a normal exhale.

“I know.”

Mo Guan Shan took his time gathering his thoughts. He didn’t know where to start the story, so he just chose what felt to him like the very beginning.

“When She Li transferred schools my path didn’t cross with his. I heard about him in passing, knew that he was vicious in fights, but I never interacted with him. I avoid trouble when I can.” He took a moment to collect his thoughts and to give He Tian a second to respond. When he didn’t, Mo Guan Shan trudged on.

“I was headed home, one day. I was running because there was a storm and I didn’t want to get caught in it. There was this… guy-” he paused. He could still remember the tattered coat and empty eyes. “He was homeless. Eating food from the garbage. I thought- fuck. I don’t know what I thought. That I could help, I guess.”

His voice cracked and he paused. He waited to see if He Tian would say anything again. He didn’t.

“I offered him all the money I had on me, but-” he laughed humorlessly, “well, I suppose he didn’t want it. Or maybe the amount offended him. Or maybe he was just crazy.”

“I was young. When he attacked me I wasn’t ready. He got me on the ground pretty easily and started choking me.” He remembered the feel of those hands. They were bulky and surprisingly strong, the kind of hands you’d find one someone who’d worked far too hard for far too long. 

“She Li showed up right before I lost consciousness. He hit the guy with a bottle, hard enough to knock him out and there was so much fucking blood.” His voice cracked again. He reminded himself to breathe. 

“She Li said it would be better that we didn’t call the police in case he was dead. I didn’t know any better. God, I was so fucking  _ stupid _ .” He hated this part of the memory. He considered not telling it for a moment, how he’d sold She Li his body, his freedom, his pride. He felt his eyes start to burn and was glad when he realized at some point in the story he’d buried his face in his hands again. He decided he could shorten this part, at least.

“I owed him my life, so I gave it to him. Later we heard that the crazy guy died because of a fucking car accident, but I still  _ see him.  _ There was so much  _ blood  _ and if I just hadn’t…” he trailed off. There was nowhere to go but the same spiral he’d fallen into countless times. That was one place He Tian couldn’t follow.  _ He probably won’t follow you anymore, anyway _ , his thoughts interrupted. He felt the boy in question shift, his shoulder grazing Guan Shan’s. He wondered who had moved closer to who.

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” He Tian said. Mo Guan Shan froze. 

He’d prepared for a million reactions: disgust, pity, contempt, indifference, but not this one. He did not know what to do with empathy. 

He looked up at He Tian half expecting he’d find a barely concealed smirk or laughter, but instead there was a set of painfully earnest eyes and a hand waiting. It moved to cup the side of Guan Shan’s face, the fingers parting around his ear, and then a second hand joined the first, mirroring the position. They were impossibly gentle and Guan Shan’s brain short circuited. 

He Tian never looked away. Not when Mo Guan Shan couldn’t stand to look him in the eye any longer, not when his bottom lip started to tremble, not even when the first tear escaped and ran down his cheek, past the corner of his lip, onto his neck. Mo Guan Shan had never found He Tian’s staring problem more relieving or more problematic.

He had not let someone see him cry since his dad was taken to prison.

He was mostly grateful when the hands finally shifted and pushed his face into He Tian’s shoulder. He exhaled once, shakily, thinking maybe the moment was over now, but then the hands reappeared. He Tian wrapped him in his arms and squeezed once, twice. The first sob that wracked Mo Guan Shan’s body took him entirely by surprise and he tensed automatically, thinking it might be too much for He Tian, but the embrace only grew tighter.

He cried. For the homeless man. For his mother and father. For himself. He cried until he felt wrung out and dry and awkward in He Tian’s arms. He took one deep breath, let it out, and only then did the other boy speak.

“Don’t cry.” he said, his tone light, “If you keep crying, I’m going to have to record it.”

Mo Guan Shan abruptly regained awareness of his position.

“Fuck.” he said.

“Look… your snot got all over me.” He Tian said with a small, almost wondrous smile.

“You… what the fuck are you smiling about!” Mo Guan Shan said, breaking free of He Tian’s hold. He needed to go.

“Hold on, Little Mo, don’t go. I was wrong!” he grabbed Guan Shan’s arm again but he shook it off.

“Fuck! Fuck off!” he said, stubbornly refusing to look at He Tian. He needed to get out of here. He Tian continued to smile.

“Little Mo! You can’t just hit someone who’s held you while you cried!” he said, not quite mocking, but close. Too close.

“Stop!” he said, finally whipping around to look at the boy. He knew he looked like a wreck. His jacket was askew, his eyes were probably puffy and red, and he could feel the fresh tear tracks still drying on his face. He could use this. “Fuck. Off. I’m going home.” 

He Tian looked at him, unperturbed. “Okay,” he said. Mo Guan Shan squinted at him suspiciously, but he didn’t do or say anything else. Mo Guan Shan huffed and turned back around. He wasn’t three steps away before he heard He Tian’s steps behind him. 

“OH MY FUCKING GOD!” he yelled, stopping and turning his face to the sky. Was He Tian suddenly fucking  _ brain dead _ ? 

“Little Mo…” he heard. He refused to acknowledge him. “You didn’t think I was going to let you walk home alone, did you?” he asked. Mo Guan Shan gaped and turned around.

“What the fuck! Yes! I can defend myself, dumbass!” he yelled.

“Well, obviously. I just don’t want to waste a single second without you.” He Tian countered. Guan Shan took three large steps and got in his face.

“Shut the fuck up! I’m not some fucking girl you need to protect! I’m going home, and you’re not fucking following me!” 

He Tian looked down at him and Mo Guan Shan watched his smile turn into a smirk.

“But earlier you said I could follow you anywhere.” Mo Guan Shan’s face heated up but his temper quickly cooled.

“I didn’t mean it like that, dumbass. Go home.” 

He Tian considered it. “I’ll see you at school tomorrow?”

Mo Guan Shan heaved a sigh. “Jesus fuck, yes, probably.”

“And after school?” 

He shook his head. “No. I have work after school.”

He Tian didn’t seem to like this. 

“Take the day off.”

“No.”

“I’ll pay you twice what you’d earn.”

“No.

“Three times.” 

“No.”

“Four.”

Mo Guan Shan considered this. If his calculations were correct that was approximately… a shit ton of money.

“Fine. Four times what I’d make and I’m not cleaning jack shit.”

He Tian smiled. “Deal.” 

Mo Guan Shan grabbed his phone out of his back pocket and squinted down at it. It was nearing ten. He needed to get home.

“You’re leaving first so I know you’re not stalking me all the way home.” He said. He Tian just blinked at him before he laughed.

“Oh, no, I’m still taking you home.”

“God damnit He Tian, I already told you-” he glanced down at his phone again. Arguing with He Tian never worked, and a whole minute had already passed since the last time he checked. He didn’t have any other choice.

He took off at a dead sprint. 

He knew He Tian would catch him.

**Author's Note:**

> Mo Guan Shan: Wanna see some Real Speed, Bitch? *Naruto runs out of the frame*
> 
> Anyways thanks for reading!!!  
> Kudos and comments are hugely appreciated <3


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